What happened to my daily seated meditation practice?

Three years ago I lost my daily seated meditation practice.

Three years ago I sat by my Mum’s side and was with her as she died.

I felt her last breath, felt her life leave her body and I gave her permission to let go.

It was both a spiritually expansive, incredibly humbling, and humanly visceral experience that I wasn’t able to fully process the bigness of in that moment.

Her death wasn’t a surprise, she was sick for a long time and was ready to go.

But I experienced shock when I felt her leave this earth, a cleaving that I haven’t felt the same after, and I’m not sure I ever will, or that I even want to.

For a long time, when I was alone and closed my eyes, I would relive the moment playing on a loop like a vivid movie I didn't know how to turn off. I would notice myself getting more and more agitated.

I began to avoid being still and silent with myself. I felt terrified of that memory (still kind of do) and did my best to avoid it . 

I stopped meditating.

I started to feel like a fraud yoga teacher.

Who was I to share the teachings of yoga if I can’t even sit still and be with myself?

All of the noise around having a daily practise, and if you don’t you lack discipline got to me.

I felt sad that something that had felt supportive for me for so long no longer felt accessible. I had moments of feeling connected back in, in circles and on trainings. I felt more able to be with myself in those ways in the company of others. 

Maybe we aren’t meant to do it alone?

People say you’re born alone and die alone.

But those aren’t my experiences of birth and of death.

My Mum was with me as I was born, and I was with her as she died.

This won’t be everyone’s story.

And I think there are ways of being with people that don’t necessarily have the same closeness that I had. 

I’m not seeking advice on how to integrate and move past this.

My hope is that this story might touch something in you. Let it be a permission slip to choose the practises that best fit you and where you are in life.

After giving myself a lot of space, I am finding a gentle, compassionate stepping towards, and back away, from practises of stillness.

May we all find a way to return to being at home in ourselves.